rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Okay
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go