PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”