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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.