Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I thought this was funny lol
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”