Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
You Might Also Like
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Meowchelangelo
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol