If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
This is hilarious….
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver