Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
stand with me against insufficient seating
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]