It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me trying to look natural in photos