I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.