*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?