H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good