“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Thoughts
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.