man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I hate everything
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
buys donuts instead
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.