guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You Might Also Like
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you鈥檝e made your point. I鈥檒l turn up the thermostat.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I don鈥檛 know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it鈥檚 final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I can relate to Eminem because I鈥檓 also a black man trapped in a white woman鈥檚 body.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
forget nudes: in 2019 we鈥檙e sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn鈥檛 seen her fourth husband in some time.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.馃
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You鈥檙e so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I鈥檒l drown you in it
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that鈥檚 all the stairs he鈥檚 gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I don鈥檛 consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma鈥檃m- it鈥檚 5pm.
Me: You said you wouldn鈥檛 dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.