[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Vodka burrito was a success
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.