let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.