I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”