My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??