There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Mountain Goat : )
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?