them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?