Never ghost your hitman.
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*