nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.