Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.