It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.