Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.