is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I am HOWLING at this
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
notice
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.