[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on