passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
being a writer on Twitter:
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Breaking news:
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.