I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.