IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.