I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.