Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Why am I like this?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
HR said no more nunchucks.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.