Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.