If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Saving my good tweets for marriage
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
🙀🙀🙀😹
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!