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It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
what kind of cook setting is this??
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg