My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!