Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
😏😏😏