H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
How to draw a duck
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
mumsnet is amazing
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Discuss
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I love wikipedia
Had to try this trend 😊
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?