[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
But wait…
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.