My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You Might Also Like
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Print is alive and well!!!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.