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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
three things we don’t talk about
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man