i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Probably my best painting.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Oops
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.