Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.