Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*me flirting
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!