Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.