What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
i want to work in this restaurant
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The Assassin.