*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.