My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I hope they boil the right one.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.