Attacked by a mop.
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.