Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*